Homework Helper

I thought this day was going to be such a good day! So far, all had gone the way I wanted it to- laundry was up to date, my paper for school was moving along nicely, and I even got to share a cup of coffee with my bestie at her house this particular afternoon.

All illusions of perfection were dashed when I saw the babysitter calling...

Uh-oh. 

There are two phone numbers I do not like to see come up on caller id- babysitters and the school. Nine times out of ten, these calls are not going to be good. 

I love all of my sitters! I have been blessed to have great girls that love Liam and are super understanding of his diagnosis- even when he is less than stellar or moody blues! This particular sitter has been a Godsend. She is one of those that just picks up on things that need to be done around the house. She doesn't use the down time as a time to get caught up on Facebook (because that's what I totally would've done if I was a babysitter nowadays). She texts me to ask me if I want my whites washed or if she can get dinner started. Brings a tear to the ole eye!! 

But, this was not a good call. As soon as I picked up the phone, I could hear her trying to hold back tears. (not a good sign)

"Are you coming home soon?"

"Yes, but I'm still another 20 minutes away! What happened? What did he do?" 

It turns out Liam got violent this day, something that he hadn't done in a while. 

Having a tutor helps me.

My sitter comes a few times per week to do homework with Liam. If she did not do this, someone would be hurt in my house- me or my children. Not sure which. Homework is NOT my strong suit. Which is why the Bota Box wine is nicknamed the "Homework Helper". Sadly, I have to get my high school freshman to work out math problems with my 5th grader because...well, the problems are too hard for me. Needless to say, my sitter is an integral part of my week. WE ALL NOTICE WHEN SHE IS NOT AROUND!

It seems my sitter asked Liam to recite his vocabulary words one too many times and he decided he needed to give her a swift kick to prove his point. I do not make light of this because I have been on the receiving end of this kick and it is painful. And, even more than pain, it is traumatic. 

The trauma of having a child tantrum and assault you is tough. You cannot know this until it happens to you. And, when it does, it catches you off guard, and you feel exposed and vulnerable. 

I have had to restrain him before because he was violently throwing things and was going to hurt himself and/or others. It has gotten so much better over the past few years. If it had not, I don't think I would have the emotional energy to even write this blog. 

Thankfully, my sitter handled it the best way she knew how. I told her to go ahead and leave my 14 year old in charge until I could get there in a few minutes. 

So, what do YOU do in times like these? 

I choose to turn the tv on and check out.... 

***sigh***

No, that's what I wish I could do in these moments. 

These are tough times. You are mortified as a parent that your child is capable of hurting another human being. You are stressed for the sitter and wondering if they know what to do. You are sad because you thought you had dealt with this before- you thought this part was over. Or, at least, that's what you wanted.

Thankfully, I have an older child that can take over, if need be. In this instance, it was best that my sitter get out of the line of fire, assess for safety issues, and get out of dodge! 

But, not every one has an older child capable of stepping in. And, not all autistic families have good help available to them. 

In the past, I have placed ads on the online bulletin boards of colleges to get help for Liam. I am a single parent, so having reliable, competent help is paramount in my life. But, looking for someone who has had experience with autism is really helpful- especially if that person will be a significant part in your child's week. 

There is nothing more traumatic than an autistic outburst!

Having a behavior therapist on call is also helpful. My girl, Hunter, has been my go-to person when I have had to go out of town for any amount of time. I have her phone number plastered on the fridge in case the family member or sitter that is keeping Liam has any issues. Hunter is kind enough to do that. Not everyone would be so generous with their cell phone. But, she is committed to seeing her families through some of the most difficult times in their lives. 

Also, having a 'safety' plan in place is key for those times when things are not going so swift. 

Admittedly, I am not the best at warning my sitters of worst-case scenario. Who wants to tell their fresh-faced college student that they should wear a helmet in case a blunt object could potentially come flying in their face?? I like to do the slow fade approach. Win them over with Liam's precious smile and antics, and then cross my fingers nothing bad happens or sets him off. **sheepishly** "tee hee!"

And, honestly, his behavior has gotten increasingly better with age and maturity. So, many times, I simply forget.

 [But, one could ask themselves if it is my unconscious (Freudian) "forgetting", and really I am just hoping someone stays on to help me with my kid. Not sure. I'll tackle that in my next therapy session.]

Safety plans really could be as simple as locking the child in a room that is child-proof, calling for help, and sitting outside of that room until help arrives. Another idea is putting the rest of the family in the car and locking it while the parent or person in charge goes to deal with the child. 

Getting the child to a safe place and calmed down is really the first order of business. We have worked so tirelessly on getting Liam to self soothe that the strategies are finally paying off. In this instance this week, he put himself in his room (albeit while slamming the door) and got himself out of the hostility. It takes training and a lot of patience and consistency to get these kids there, but it can be done. DON'T GIVE UP!

When I finally got home, I was calm and collected (after turning on rock music extremely loud and banging the drums on my steering wheel for the remaining 15 minute drive) because the last thing you want to do is seem flustered with your child. They smell weakness and they have 'won' when you show signs of being upset. (This is very hard to do- I have TMJ problems from clenching my jaws.) I gave him his sentence- he was going straight to bed (at 6:45pm) and no technology for the next two days. 

I did not get the empathetic apology I was hoping for. It was forced and he was still trying to justify his actions with, "well, she was making me do homework too long." I still made him write the apology note. As an older friend said to me one time, "You teach your kids to say please, thank you, and I am sorry. Eventually, it will catch up with their hearts."

Yesterday, he got off the bus as usual.

"Liam, I made you your favorite snack."

"Thank you, mom!!!"

This thank you came out on his own. I didn't even have to ask for it.

Baby steps.