War Time Battle or Just Dinner?

I want to start this blog post and talk about a little word called guilt. This tiny 5 letter word has brought all kinds of havoc into our lives, hasn't it? Guilt has the power to bring us to our knees. It brings with it all sorts of anxiety and pain. And, I see a lot of that going around in the world of parenting these days. And, for certain, it is in the hearts and minds of countless parents of children with autism. But, is all that guilt necessary? There is a weird pressure that we all feel. Are we doing enough? Should I medicate my child or is that just being selfish because I want him medicated? Do I do the treatments and diets that little Johnny's parents are doing or do I spend that money on a vacation for our family (or better yet, myself)? Is it normal that I don't like my child sometimes? Did I even feed him dinner tonight?

WHAT?! Don't tell me you've never been blissfully sipping your hot tea before bed and breathed a sigh of relief that your child is finally (somewhat) asleep, and thought, "holy schnike's, I freaking starved my kid tonight and TOTALLY FORGOT!" The secret Greater Judging Mom's Association (we'll call them GJMA) would NOT approve! Or, better yet, did your child scarf down an entire bowl of buttered popcorn, and you rationalize that maybe there is one part dairy (butter) and one part vegetable (corn), and that should suffice as a balanced dinner...we'll start the healthy plan tomorrow.

Guys, it's been 11 years for me. Eleven years of me saying, I'll start that tomorrow. And, the guilt, oh the agonizing guilt!! But, the battle scars from dinner time are deep. It takes a massive emotional wind up for me just to THINK through dinner time, much less follow through with it. I can remember my son being a toddler and putting two measly, eensy, weensy green beans on his plate. I was so proud of myself- "this will teach him to love and tolerate food with color on his plate", I thought. With a slight cross over of my feet, a confident twirl around, a smug smile of victory on my face, the two green beans grazed my ears as they were being hurled at me- one at my right ear and one at my left- like slimy  pieces of shrapnel from a battle of many more like these to come. Or, better yet, the disgusting gagging, coughing, wailing and gnashing of teeth that occurs when I put a piece of...wait for it...strawberry on his plate. Yep, strawberry. Isn't like every other piece of candy in the world made with strawberry flavor? And this is just in one 10 to 15 minute period of however many are in a day.

Which brings me back to guilt. We need to start letting go of this. Life with autism is difficult. It is not as it was meant to be. The bonding that naturally occurs between parent and child is not there. You are pushed away emotionally by a child that demands constant attention all day long. When the voices of guilt, shame, and doubt creep in, remember you are doing the best that you can do with what you have TODAY. Or, maybe better still, THIS MOMENT. Because, this moment is all we have anyway.

Now, I want you to wrap your left arm around your right, your right around your left, (look around to make sure no one is staring), deep squeeze, and say to yourself, "I am a good parent. I'm doing the best I can right now...NOW GO GET 'EM, TIGER!" The tiger comment is necessary to counterbalance the goofiness of self-hugging.

For real though, you're a super hero. Put your warrior gear on, and know we're all in the trenches together.