Summertime Rulez

Ahhhh Summer!!!!!

The time of year where we can let the bedtime routine go. The time of year when the sun is hot, the pool feels welcoming, and fresh fruits taste amazing! This is the time that most of look forward to all year!

But, for families of autism, summer can be the most stressful, nerve-wracking, patience-disturbing time of all.

Our kiddos with autism crave control and structure. It is in their DNA. This is why they love school so much. School is a bubble. It is a test tube of endless lists and tasks that are implemented by teachers that are trained to do such things. Home is a battleground of pesky siblings (who know the autistic's every button to push) and of over-tired parents who are just trying not to drown in their own problems of keeping it all together.

As one mom said to me in tears, "why can't I seem to get it together enough to have the good report that my son's teachers seem to have of him?" In other words, why do our children seem to behave better at school than they do with us at home?

I have a few theories about this:

-First of all, as stated earlier, school has all the resources needed to set these little people up for success. There are at least 2-3 more adults in the room than at home. (hello!! Wouldn't we all love at least 4 more sets of hands at home?) There are other children that are NOT related to them that can distract them from whatever is bothering them in the moment. (aaaaauuuuhhhhhh!! This shirt has a tag in it!!) Also, this is what these certifiably insane people have SIGNED UP to do in life. Yes! They have signed up to teach/corral/herd these children by CHOICE! So that means that they have had more training and (hopefully) more patience than you ever will. They can be almost perfect with scheduling because they have to in order to keep more than three children alive!

-Secondly, our children will always be more well-behaved with strangers. This is a good thing! We want our kids to act out with us because then we know they feel safe. We tend to "show our butts" when we feel like we can. We are our truest selves with those that we know will not abandon us.

-Thirdly, these teachers can do all of their schedules, ABA appropriate rigors, and rule-keeping because THEY GET TO GO HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY.


Let's just cut to the chase. Summer is hard. Breaks are hard. So here are a few things I have found to help make it through.


1. Every summer when Liam was younger I poured over websites of churches and camps to see who would be able to handle my little bundle of joy. Sometimes my searches came up short, but I eventually landed on a YMCA camp through Easter Seals. This would be more geared for elementary age children through high school, but well worth looking into to see if they have a program that would work for your child. We also did Vacation Bible Schools-several of them! It could be that a particular church has a ministry for special needs children. Or, maybe you could volunteer to go with your child and act as an aid for others. Obviously, if you're looking for a break, that is not the best option, but if you are looking for something to get you and your child out of the house, it could be ideal.

2. Schedule your down time!! This is my least favorite. By now, if you've kept up with this blog you know how much I hate schedules. But, for everyone's sanity, I would at least try to have a skeleton of a schedule for each day. Your schedule may have a large amount of digital activity on there (i.e. THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR IPADS!) This is okay. We're in summer mode and their brains are not going to rot if they watch several shows in a row. This is parenting bootcamp, let's not kill ourselves here.

How do they come out of the womb knowing how to  do technology?!

3. (in the same vein) Let go of Mommy/Daddy guilt. This may be your hardest task yet. Let go of trying to have it all together. You're exhausted, and so are they. If you need a nap, plug in the iPad and let that be their quiet time. Stop comparing yourself to their teachers and other parents on Facebook. Trust me, they're using the iPad too. That's how they have time to post on Facebook.

4. I realize that not all parents may have the luxury of taking a trip. Maybe a trip is the worst thing in the world for your family. Maybe it's just easier staying at home. BUT, every summer, we would plan a trip to the beach with my parents. I can say that I have been blessed with two people who, are not perfect, but love my children well and do pretty good with having them around. They have had to learn, like we all have, to roll with the punches and parent a little differently than maybe they did with me. This is a week that we always look forward to because it allows us to get away from our norm and rest. I encourage all of my readers to take the time to find rest--and water. Water is healing and  may be the one thing that helps calm your little one.

Nashville Public Library Story Time

5. Find something to do once a week that can become a summertime routine. One thing that we used to do each week was go to story time at our local library. Nashville has a beautiful library in the downtown area and has an award-winning children's outreach through their puppetry program. This is a free program and they have a beautiful outdoor area where you can picnic and kids can run around without people staring or judging you for their squeals of joy. I would encourage you to find something that you can do as a family once a week that helps both of you. It also teaches your little one to adapt to the outside world. They have to learn how to sit and behave at some point, and this could be a safe way to do it.

6. EAT LOTS OF ICE CREAM

7. Remember to laugh at yourselves.

8. Phone a friend.

9. Let go of household chores for maybe one day. (or 5)

10. Be kind to yourself.

Wake up. Repeat.

First Chair

In the hustle and bustle of life, we forget to feel. Well, it's not exactly like that. We just forget that we have all of these emotions pulsing through our veins at any given point.

Yes, that's right. Those things you thought you were pushing down into your belly don't exactly go anywhere. They tend to just float right back up to the surface. Those pesky little things that were created to tell us the temperature of our emotional selves continue to bounce all around us. And, as my mentor said, "If you try to get over 'em, you end up under 'em."

And, alas, the more work I do on myself (by way of counseling others and my own therapy), the more I find this statement to be true.

I found myself out and about a few nights ago, celebrating my best friend's birthday. We had amazing wine, great food, and hilarious banter! It was a fancy restaurant and I was dressed up both inside and out. I had my "outfit" on and I had my witty Self on that night as well.

On the car ride home, I was ecstatic to get to see Liam and tell him how proud I was of him. He had made first chair that day in percussion. First chair is as big a deal as any in our household. This is because the phrase starts with the word "FIRST", and as I have commented on many a blog, this is the word that sends my little guy through the roof!! He both loves and disdains competition. It excites him and freaks him out at the same time. He wants to be first every week, but there's always someone a little bit better than him...until this week.

The idea of chairs in percussion is you must play a scale on marimba the fastest without missing any notes and playing it in time. It occurred to Liam's friend, Zach, (see the blog "Sleepovers") that all of the other players had played the piece at 135 bpm, so Liam should bump it up to 140! Liam reluctantly decided to follow his advice and speed through his scale at 140.

He was so nervous after he played, he ran to the practice room and turned off the lights, waiting to see what the results were!! The pressure was just too much!

The list was typed up and printed off...the band teacher slowly walked over to the wall and slapped the results up so everyone could see who got what.

And there it was...Liam, after almost 7 1/2 months of school, was first chair.

The coveted FIRST CHAIR-I picture a throne in my head. 

So, you can imagine my excitement for him! I couldn't wait to hear the play by play and get a high five. I couldn't wait to bask in the moment with him and see his face light up when he told me about it.

Admittedly, I did get home a bit late, but I knew he would not be fully asleep. So, I tiptoed up to his room to have our big moment. 

"Liam," I whispered, "I am so very proud of you getting FIRST CHAIR today!" **enthusiastic, but still tempered whisper**

Instead of rolling over to give me the high five my heart clearly wanted, he shot up so quickly in his bed, that he smacked his head into my forehead. It was most definitely going to leave a mark- on both of us.

"MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING- GET OOOOUUUUUTTTT!!!!" **enthusiastic teen rage in loudly audible voice**

"FINE!!!! I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY HOW PROUD OF YOU I WAS, BUT NOW I'M NOT! GOD, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!!" **enthusiastic teen rage coming out in a mommy's body**

Yep. Not my proudest moment. I was hurt- both physically and emotionally. I was angry. And I was lonely. 

In my counseling office, I am teaching my clients to use feeling words instead of the all-too-popular responses like, "meh!", "frustrated", "stressed", etc. These words do not hit the heart the way that anger, sadness, shame, and lonely do. They just don't. So often we use these words to hide the very things that we NEED to be feeling. So, the very things that I am teaching my clients have to be put in to practice in my own life. (oy veh!!)

It's much easier to say that the traffic was mildly irritating, but my actions spoke much more like rage when I honked and cussed in my vehicle. Or, when I try to shrug off something important in my life and call it a "blah" day, I'm more likely extremely sad. I'm in grief. 

My response to Liam was anger, but it came from a deeper place of hurt and longing for relationship with him. When I am honest with my feelings, it puts me in touch with my soul. It allows me to know ...well, ME! I can then begin to know the deepest places in my heart that need healing, that need restoration. If I am constantly using other words to describe myself, I am leaving myself on the operating table of life-bleeding and, sometimes, without a pulse. 

When anger creeps in (as it does a lot of the time), I can begin to see the roots of other emotions that are trying to drive the bus of my heart. When I own up to it (what is actually going on inside of me), my heart/soul/Self then drives the bus. Then, it is I who sits in the "first chair" of my own heart. And I can begin to help my emotions sit in the passenger seat, continuing to give me clues to who I was made to be.  

There will always be a tinge of loneliness, hurt, and anger as I live with a child who has very little capacity to see me. But, on those rare occasions when he does see me, I will relish it! I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt because there are no mixed words in autism. 

There is only truth.